ERIK: An Owner's Guide and Instruction Manual
by MetaChi
Summary: (PG-13 for safety) For anyone who wants their own Erik. :D


Disclaimer: I do not own the Phantom of the Opera or any related characters. The idea of the Siren belongs to Gaston Leroux, but her personality and look is all my creation. (As seen in SOAP Opera)

**Authoress Note:** Theresa Green's magnificent ARAGORN guide (and Lalaithien's equally magnificent FARAMIR guide) inspired me to write this. Theresa Green has given me complete permission to imitate her series for a couple of these for the PotO section, and to borrow the format as well. Thank you, Theresa Green! ^_^

**Authoress Note #2: **There is a small reference in here to Tam Lynne's Philippe phic. I hope you don't mind, Tam! :D

Also, Amusing Situation #5 is a direct reference to my (hopefully soon) upcoming phic, _Erik is Fired! _Read it when I post it, okay? XD

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_*** **CONGRATULATIONS**__!_ *** 

You are now the proud owner of an ERIK! In order to obtain top performance from your Opera Ghost, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your Phantom to his full potential. 

Your ERIK should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories (see specially chosen list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of ERIK that you ordered, as there are three:

(a) Edition I ERIK (copyright Leroux, 1911)

(b) Edition II ERIK (copyright Crawford/Lloyd Webber 1987-????) 

(c) Edition III ERIK (Copyright Susan Kay, 1990)

**TECHNICAL** **SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: _Erik (AKA Opera Ghost, Phantom of the Opera, Angel of Music)_

Type: _Human (male, of a possible slight mutant variety)_

Manufacturers: _Madeleine Inc._

Date of Manufacture:_1831_

Description:

Editions I & III ERIK - patch of black hair and golden eyes. Wears a velvet black mask that completely covers his face.

Edition II ERIK - brown hair and one blue eye, one yellow eye. Wears a white half mask over the right side of his face.

**ACCESSORIES**

Your ERIK unit, regardless of the edition, will be shipped fully clad to you in a black protective crate, shaped to resemble a coffin. He will be wearing a normal tuxedo, complimented by a flowing black cape and Punjab Lasso. He will also have his life's work, _Don Juan Triumphant_. Also, if you wish, you may purchase a CÉSAR model for him to ride, therefore enhancing his mobility.

Your ERIK unit will arrive to you in his factory condition of travel-stained. It is recommended that you immediately remove his clothing and put him into a hot soapy bubble bath. This will keep his moving parts in pristine condition and fully functional. 

*** CAUTION *** Married/committed ERIK owners **must** ensure that their spouses are otherwise engaged in gardening/car maintenance/crocodile-hunting etc. before carrying out this procedure. The company is not held responsible for divorce costs, alimony payments, or hospital fees due to careless execution of this procedure in the company of jealous housemates.

***CAUTION*** If you first activate ERIK and then try to bathe him, he will most likely end up in throwing you out of the bathroom, in which case you will hit a wall head first and could enter a coma. (This is why the coffin-crate includes a small bottle of chloroform)

NOTE: A coma is not necessarily a bad thing, as ERIK's hospitality mode will kick in, and he will personally care for you. The downside of this is you probably wouldn't be aware of his soothing touch.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your ERIK has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient, which means that his temper has been toned down a bit (but is still there). His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or French. You will find your ERIK is skilled with many tongues and performance should prove satisfactory.

You might have your own ideas about the services that you would like your ERIK to provide and the location in which such procedures should be carried out, which will not be mentioned here as young children could get a hold of this packet. He can also be utilized in several capacities about the house: 

Tutor: 

Your ERIK unit is skilled in every field of knowledge there is and can therefore be used to teach children, or if the owner is a young adult, she can convince her parents to allow her to be home-schooled so that she can be near her ERIK every waking minute. (Even if she's in college)

Travel Agent: 

Your ERIK's knowledge of foreign countries will prove invaluable as you plan your holiday, as well as his expertise in financial matters. 

Musician: 

ERIK is unbelievably talented at the piano and singing, which he will gladly share with anyone willing to learn. Hey, he's not the _Angel of Music_ for nothing, after all.

Construction:

ERIK can construct anything out of anything. Need a well defended home? Call ERIK. Want secret passages built into your house? Call ERIK. Want a greenhouse and garden shed? Call Erik. Want to build a magnificent fortress with a moat and everything? Call ERIK! 

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

You will find that your ERIK is not very compatible with most other models, except for four: the CHRISTINE model, the NADIR model, the AYESHA model, and the MADAME GIRY model. (Also, in some rare cases, the PHILIPPE model)

**PRECAUTIONS**

Do not expose your ERIK to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, or excessive humidity.

**SUPER PRECAUTIONS!**

Do **_NOT_**, under any circumstances, expose your ERIK to a CHRISTINE unit, for he will be follow her forever and be lost to you, not to mention killing any and all RAOUL units in a five hundred mile radius.

Also, **_NEVER_** attempt to remove ERIK's mask, for this can prove fatal to your health. If you do have a burning desire to see what lies beneath, remove the mask before you activate the unit, and even be careful then for the unit has abilities that not even we know of.

**CLEANING**

ERIK will always insist on washing himself, and will often do so, unless of course, you insist that you're not a typical Victorian lady, ERIK believes this, and he falls madly in love with you. However, before ERIK is activated, you may wash him all you like.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q:** My neighbor owns a NADIR model and every so often NADIR will visit ERIK. When he does, they go down to the basement and do not reappear for hours. Why?

**A:** ERIK and NADIR are best friends, and unless the 'slash' setting is activated, NADIR is giving ERIK advice about everything ranging from what to feed AYESHA to what color socks he should wear.

**Q:** Why does ERIK spend so much time in the basement?

**A:** Because that's where he's the most comfortable. Give him his own space down there and he should be content enough to spend more time upstairs, with you.

**Q:** Why is ERIK so sensitive about his mask?

**A:** If you honestly have to ask _that_ question, you shouldn't own an ERIK. Send him down to the basement, get a copy of either the book or the musical, and read/listen to it.

**Q:** Every time we pass an Opera, ERIK looks longingly at it.

**A:** By all means, take him inside! (After you've scoped out the place to ensure that there are no Sarah Brightman look-alikes working there that ERIK could mistake for CHRISTINE). Just be sure not to let him out of your sight, for he could run off to the deepest cellars, or try to release a chandelier.

**Q.** ERIK keeps begging me to buy a specialized CHRISTINE unit.

**A. **If you want to lose ERIK, you could buy the Edition III (Susan Kay) CHRISTINE and a small revision program. The revision program will give CHRISTINE a bit more spine, and she will eventually fall in love with ERIK enough to want to stay with him. WARNING: If you do this, they will eventually disappear and you will lose ERIK forever. If you decide not to do as he asks, you can order a small _Memory Revision Drive™_, which will allow you to erase all of ERIK's memory of CHRISTINE.

**Q.** ERIK regularly and mysteriously gains a large amount of money. Is he up to something illegal?

**A.** There is a MADAME GIRY unit somewhere nearby acting as an accomplice for your ERIK. Do not fret over this; it's free money!

NOTE: In fact, you should use this money _for_ ERIK as he can then buy everything he wants/needs and there won't be much, if any, money taken out of _your_ pocket. 

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Problem:** ERIK has locked himself in the basement and refuses to come out.

**Solution:** ERIK has most likely come into contact with a MADELEINE unit. The company does not recommend this as it can cause severe distress to ERIK. A possible remedy to this is to brutally murder the MADELEINE unit, then tell ERIK she'll never bother him again.

**Problem:** I bought ERIK an AYESHA unit, but now AYESHA won't let me anywhere near him.

**Solution:** This is just AYESHA's normal protectiveness for ERIK. Just show her that there is no CHRISTINE (or Sarah Brightman look-alikes) around for hundred of miles, and everything should be dandy.

Note: If you yourself happen to look like CHRISTINE or Sarah Brightman, our only answer is to dispose of the AYESHA unit as soon as possible.

**Problem:** ERIK tested my computer for me, but has now become addicted to the Internet.

**Solution:** The fastest way to get ERIK un-addicted to the Internet is to show him the slash fanfiction. Unless his 'slash' setting is activated, this should be enough to send him running away from the Internet forever.

**Problem:** I also own a PHILIPPE unit, and ERIK keeps attempting to strangle him.

**Solution:** There are two ways to resolve this. First tell ERIK that's the SIREN's job, then be sure to never purchase a SIREN. Two, perhaps ERIK has somehow mistaken PHILIPPE for RAOUL. To correct this, you must show ERIK a RAOUL and explain the difference. 

**Problem:** Every time I take ERIK out, chandeliers mysteriously fall. 

**Solution: **This is a basic design in his programming, for ERIK has always had a fondness for falling chandeliers. Try it sometime, it's fun. If this bothers you, just flip the switch marked 'chandelier' in the control panel on his back. Then, for safety purposes, tape it down so it can't be switched back on.

**Problem:** ERIK is taking all the Ken dolls he can find and is putting them in a fish tank, which he will then expose to a bright lamp and hair dryer. Then he laughs maniacally and mutters something about a 'grasshopper jumping very high'

**Solution:** ERIK is using the fish tank as a Torture Chamber, and the Ken dolls are supposed to be RAOUL. If talking to him doesn't solve the problem, bring in a NADIR to give ERIK a good talking-to. Also, search your house very carefully for anything shaped like a grasshopper, then bring in a bomb specialist to examine it.

**Problem:** My ERIK wanders the basement at all hours, quietly singing "He's here, the Phantom of the Opera. . .Beware, the Phantom of the Opera. . ." 

**Solution:** Your ERIK is an Edition II, of the Crawford/Lloyd Webber make. He comes complete with all the songs from the musical. This isn't a problem, it's a miracle! Now go have him sing _Music of the Night_.

**Problem:** I also own a RAOUL unit and the two avoid each other at all costs, even if it means one leaving the house by one door and reentering it by another. Occasionally, they will try to kill each other.

**Solution:** What on Earth possessed you to try and keep ERIK and RAOUL in the same house? The default interaction setting for the ERIK and RAOUL units is 'Jealous Hatred'. This means that your ERIK and RAOUL units begin their working lives in a state of enmity. Their love for CHRISTINE makes them despise each other. For your sanity, we recommend selling RAOUL. Don't worry, you should have no trouble finding a buyer. Or you could enable the 'slash' setting, but then you'd have to share them both. And, of course, you could just let ERIK kill RAOUL.

**Problem: **My neighbor owns a CHRISTINE unit, and she and ERIK often stand on opposite sides of the road, staring at each other passionately. ERIK often says something about flowers and maidens to her. 

**Solution: **The ROMEO and JULIET mode has been activated in these two, and unless you wish to have a similar catastrophe played out, you or your neighbor should move. Immediately. On the plus side, if ERIK is talking about how fair maidens and flowers are, there is most definitely a FARAMIR unit somewhere in the vicinity.

**Problem**: I want to go to a big Halloween party, and ERIK insists that he come with me. I do not want to take him as there could be people there dressed up as the Phantom, and this could hurt his feelings.

**Solution**: This was thought of early on in his programming. Allow ERIK to create his Red Death costume, and let him go with you. If he encounters any Phantom-dressed people, he'll stop them and say, "What a handsome demon you are!"

**Problem**: When ERIK is on the computer, he quietly sings "A big adventure to the caves below, to help some dwarves get back their gold, that was stolen in the days of old"

**Solution**: Your ERIK seems to have found, and become addicted to, the catchy and addictively brain-rotting little rhyme known as _The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins_. This is not a serious problem, just sing along with ERIK and LEONARD NIMOY every time ERIK feels compelled to hear it. With any luck, you'll soon begin to hear it in your sleep as well.

Note: Yes, you can now buy a limited edition model of SPOCK that will sing (and dance to) The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. 

**Amusing Situations:**

(1) If you buy an ERIK, SIREN, and RAOUL, ERIK and SIREN will team up against RAOUL. Watch RAOUL run!

(2) If you buy an ERIK, CHRISTINE, and RAOUL, the three will perform the entire book/musical, depending on which Edition they are. However, when it comes to that critical CHRISTINE kissing ERIK scene, you may interfere to help the outcome be more to your preference.

(3) If you buy an ERIK, CHRISTINE, and RAOUL, the three will perform the entire book/musical depending on which Edition they are. For added fun, you can toss in a PHILIPPE unit and watch RAOUL squirm over being torn between love and duty.

Note: For this scenario, you must not have a SIREN unit nearby, or allow ERIK to get near PHILIPPE - at least, not until the end of the soap opera. Chances are, the two will get along fairly well.

(4) If you buy the MANAGERs to use in conjunction with ERIK and MADAME GIRY, MONCHARMIN and RICHARD will eventually revert back to their original 'slash' setting and run away after leaving behind any and all of their money for ERIK and MADAME GIRY to gloat over.

(5) Buy an ERIK, NADIR, and SIREN only to find out what their lives are like behind the scenes of Phantom of the Opera!

(6) Purchase the limited edition BALLET RATS BOX SET to use in conjunction with ERIK, and see the spookier, more eerie side of ERIK's nature. 

Note: If any consumers come up with more Amusing Situations, please call 1-800-Music-Angel. Our ERIK secretary will be most interested to hear of any new scenarios.

**FINAL NOTE**

Due to the very chaotic nature of ERIK, you will find that you have _not_ been issued with a guarantee. However, if he is taken very well care of, and has had no CHRISTINE contact, ERIK should live for some fifty plus years. Those owners who are already used to the 6,342,000 month extended warranties issued with LotR Elven units may find this rather disappointing; console yourself with the knowledge that ERIK units are much less expensive to maintain as they do not require personal stylists and top-of-the-line hygiene products, or really any care at all.


End file.
